An existential story in the context of this site will mean an occurrence perceived by the subject/object’s self reflection.
- Jane walks around and finds employment, and that employment is of a complexity sufficient to hold amusement. (positive)
- Jane works in said employment for several months, long enough to gain proficiency in the job description. (positive)
- Jane is then given tasks “As Required” in addition to her regular assignments.
- Jane completes the tasks quickly, in approximately half of the expected time.
- Jane sits back and takes an admiring view of her accomplishments. (positive)
- Jane rightly values her analysis that completing the tasks in the method and economy in which she has accomplished them would not likely be exceeded. (positive)
For many people, the story would end there. However, for many others, including myself, the story takes a turn. After this initial self/group accolades/criticism, condemnation takes over the mind and remains. After that point all the self can hear is the self reviewing the self, listing all the ways it could have done the task more efficiently (this means improved, which means the creativity used was limited, and this sets the stage for the self to ruminate on all the possible ways in which the task could have been completed ”better”.) I think this has a more negative overall aftermath than any typical delusion.
Though I refer to Self-Compassion – the book here, I am not usually a fan of ‘self-help for a pair of personal reasons:
- First, I get agitated by the books’s tone. More often than not, the tone just so syrupy sweet. I always feel that a syrupy environment leaves a thin film on the reader’s mind, like a coating of oil on a pelican unlucky enough to swim into an oil slick.
- Second, I recently realized that I have never been able to look at my own self with any compassion.
One real thing, however, that I lifted from Self-Compassion, is that I am aware that I am anything but compassionate to myself. If you fell in front of me
- I could not help but be compassionate, I would hope.
- I would want to have comforting words for you that were heartfelt.
- I would look for a plausible excuse for you, if you did not have one.
I think most people, at some time, in their life feel this way about themselves, when they stumble and fall. Many, if not most people are as compassionate to themselves as they are to others.
My self reflections glimmer in the following way:
- I cannot talk positively to myself, as in the “You are somebody,” the old SNL skit.
- I would like to stop the nonstop, running critique of myself.
- That is the point. What is my true personality? I like to think the manner we talk others is the closest conscious point to our real selves.
- I had no idea that everyone did not constantly critique their own selves.
- I constantly observe, tweak, weigh values, manipulate.
- Then I aim this ”constructive criticism” at the choice-making portion of my self. I notice in myself that this review is as critical as it would be in analyzing the play of a partner in bridge, the play of the hand, the bidding, the use of alerts, defense signaling, conventional changes, in between rounds in which one advances.
Now, let’s return to the initial Jane story. Everything Jane was perceiving could be thought of as a positive. But let’s say that instead of the positive reinforcement, she experiences from the experience, Jane is instead barraged by the negative. In fact, every positive reinforcement is now overshadowed by a myriad improvements which were not considered or effected.
Now, let’s shift the perspective to look at the choice from a decision-making position. How do you make your decision? I think we can rationally think through many questions by looking at examples in nature, religious rites, and other people’s examples or experiences, but none of those areas give definitive answers .
- So there you are, you have just experienced positive risk/reward stimuli.
- However, your perception of the experience is not a choice.
- You may choose to attempt to maintain a proper social role, to look as if you know what you are doing.
- But the dopamine gets released.
- Epinephrine storms the system.
- Then you get a choice to save or act irrationally, while in a heightened alert state.
- Then the serotonin has an effect, resulting in another ”save vs act rationally” choice to get control.
- All the time, you know that you did more than was expected on the task, but all you hear in your mind is all the ways you could have done better.